For the past week, I felt on top of the world. Work was crap, been attending interviews, been out walking a lot just going for interviews with agencies and companies. Kept my mind busy and la di da. If I had a trophy, I would have awarded myself well. I was really proud of myself, for being able not to think of certain elements in my life.
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Waking up this morning, I knew it's all a lie. Once again, I was trying to deceive myself that everything is alright and life is going fine and smooth. As much as I kept myself busy with going here and there and working long hours at the pub, at the back of my head, the thought was there. As I read a book, take a train, take a bus, go online, shower, listen to music, walking on the street, I was always thinking of the same thing.
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Once again I tell myself that I need a holiday. Again, it's a self-deceptive thought. I know very well that a holiday takes my mind off things at the same time giving me more time to think and I will come home thinking I'm over it and I'm a brand new person, but no.. You cannot run away from yourself. There is no such thing.
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Maybe best thing to do is cut ties with all elements of the thought. Can I bear to do that? Not now. I'm not strong enough. Adele is singing about if I should give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere.
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I know very well that I don't want to chase or dwell on anything, and I want to give up. I cannot continue living like that. I did not come to London to get into a whirlwind of emotional rides. Somehow fate decided this is the path I will take or some would say it was a path I chose, but how I ended up here, even just sitting here, was a choice I made. I always believe everything happens for the better. Trust me, I'm still waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
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Again, I'm back to Square 1. To how I was last year. Got myself caught up in something that I shouldn't have and then digging the hole even deeper thereafter, and now I'm trying to crawl out of the hole.
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I want to stop caring. I want to stop thinking. I want to let go, but I need a distraction to help me. I know I can't do it on my own.