La vie en rose

Valentine's in the air! Today while walking pass the usual florist in London Bridge station, I could see the huge emount of bouquets they were preparing for Valentine's. Gosh, at 8am and there were rows and shelves of bouquets. Are they expecting that much sales? Wait a minute, they have tags on them. These are prebooked bouquets! Gosh! How romantic! All the red roses wrapped up sweetly and all the floating balloons around the florist! Opposite at Cards Galore, people were picking up last minute presents and most of them were guys! And I thought to myself, 'What a beautiful day! Love is certainly in the air!'

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Even if I'm not in love, at least the world out there is and it must be such a blessing to be surrounded by people who are loved and be loved! I was smiling. As I walked out of my house this morning to the train station, I looked up at the bright blue sky and knew it will be a good day. There were much going on in my head but I was smiling.. Was thinking whether or not I will find a new job by month end, whether or not I have enough money till next month, whether or not I need to escape to Brighton for a weekend in couple of weeks time, or should I be more drastic and go to Dublin?

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I have to admit I'm feeling some sort of emotional ache inside me, but I try to not let it deter me although I think about it all the time. I still smile when I think about it, cause I know even if it makes me sad, at least it makes someone out there happy, even if it's not, it should.

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After attending an interview yesterday in the city, I wondered if this is something I want... Be part of the city. Be part of the financial capital. Be the person whom I've tried to avoid being. Be part of the corporate world. Lose myself again in a job thinking I'm happy, but in reality running away and ignoring the fundamentals of happiness. It's a job I know I won't get, but I was trying for it - why? Is that what I want? Part of me says yes, the other part of me knows that I just want to keep myself busy so that I don't think about what Monika referred as 'you're too afraid of being hit by happiness or love'.

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What do I really want? A question that I've been asking myself a million times and never got an answer. Was I perfectly fine when I was home? Then why do I enjoy having someone look after me while I'm here? Why do I enjoy being given pep talk, being nag at, being told off, being given advices all the time, having constant small arguments, having mis-communications half the time with someone? I've always been the independent person. I was totally on my own in Perugia. I didn't need to be told what to do, I just did what I had to do. Why is it that this time around, I constantly need someone to push me? Question is, do I need the push or do I need that someone?

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At the end of the day, I'm still smiling. I was pining once for something that I knew was not meant to be, sometimes I think I'm a sadist who secretly hope things don't work out because I'm afraid of happiness. Now, I'm just happy with my surroundings. Even if I'm not feeling on top of the world, at least some people out there are - and I'm happy for them. At least love is in the air. Good vibes. It's always good to be surrounded by good vibes. It keeps you going.