For the past week, I felt on top of the world. Work was crap, been attending interviews, been out walking a lot just going for interviews with agencies and companies. Kept my mind busy and la di da. If I had a trophy, I would have awarded myself well. I was really proud of myself, for being able not to think of certain elements in my life.
*
Waking up this morning, I knew it's all a lie. Once again, I was trying to deceive myself that everything is alright and life is going fine and smooth. As much as I kept myself busy with going here and there and working long hours at the pub, at the back of my head, the thought was there. As I read a book, take a train, take a bus, go online, shower, listen to music, walking on the street, I was always thinking of the same thing.
*
Once again I tell myself that I need a holiday. Again, it's a self-deceptive thought. I know very well that a holiday takes my mind off things at the same time giving me more time to think and I will come home thinking I'm over it and I'm a brand new person, but no.. You cannot run away from yourself. There is no such thing.
*
Maybe best thing to do is cut ties with all elements of the thought. Can I bear to do that? Not now. I'm not strong enough. Adele is singing about if I should give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere.
*
I know very well that I don't want to chase or dwell on anything, and I want to give up. I cannot continue living like that. I did not come to London to get into a whirlwind of emotional rides. Somehow fate decided this is the path I will take or some would say it was a path I chose, but how I ended up here, even just sitting here, was a choice I made. I always believe everything happens for the better. Trust me, I'm still waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
*
Again, I'm back to Square 1. To how I was last year. Got myself caught up in something that I shouldn't have and then digging the hole even deeper thereafter, and now I'm trying to crawl out of the hole.
*
I want to stop caring. I want to stop thinking. I want to let go, but I need a distraction to help me. I know I can't do it on my own.

Angeline has an Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiver (ENFP) personality commonly referred to as "The Social Philosopher"

ENFP General
You believe life is abundant, love is plentiful, and creativity is always within your grasp. If God combined the bouncing energy of a cocker spaniel with the enthusiasm of a couple on their honeymoon, God would still be only halfway to duplicating your insatiable zest for life.
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ENFP when in love
“Puppy love” is a good term for describing your take on romance: fun, frisky, playful, cuddly, and young at heart. No matter what your age or how many times your heart has been broken, you are an eternal optimist when it comes to love. You are not someone who proceeds cautiously when you meet someone you find attractive. You are likely to fall passionately in love--or at least lust-- quickly, spontaneously, and with total abandon. Holding something back for later is a concept you can’t quite grasp, especially when it comes to the joy of creating a new and exciting relationship. Yes, COMMITMENT can scare you. That one word may explain why you are still single at thirty, forty, fifty, or beyond. But you love, absolutely love, the concept of intimacy, sharing and relationships. If only you could find that special one, you would be set for life.
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ENFP where to meet
Where can you meet a Social Philosopher? Social Philosophers enjoy stimulating conversation and interesting people, and, like the Idealistic Philosopher and Mystic Writer, favour activities that revolve around psychology, philosophy, the arts, and helping others. Unlike Idealistic Philosophers and Mystic Writers, Social Philosophers seize every opportunity for social contact. They love the spotlight and are known to be excellent teachers and public speakers. Social Philosophers also routinely attend art gallery openings, wine tastings, fund-raisers, concerts, lectures and plays. They may also be members of a singles gourmet dining club.

La vie en rose

Valentine's in the air! Today while walking pass the usual florist in London Bridge station, I could see the huge emount of bouquets they were preparing for Valentine's. Gosh, at 8am and there were rows and shelves of bouquets. Are they expecting that much sales? Wait a minute, they have tags on them. These are prebooked bouquets! Gosh! How romantic! All the red roses wrapped up sweetly and all the floating balloons around the florist! Opposite at Cards Galore, people were picking up last minute presents and most of them were guys! And I thought to myself, 'What a beautiful day! Love is certainly in the air!'

*

Even if I'm not in love, at least the world out there is and it must be such a blessing to be surrounded by people who are loved and be loved! I was smiling. As I walked out of my house this morning to the train station, I looked up at the bright blue sky and knew it will be a good day. There were much going on in my head but I was smiling.. Was thinking whether or not I will find a new job by month end, whether or not I have enough money till next month, whether or not I need to escape to Brighton for a weekend in couple of weeks time, or should I be more drastic and go to Dublin?

*

I have to admit I'm feeling some sort of emotional ache inside me, but I try to not let it deter me although I think about it all the time. I still smile when I think about it, cause I know even if it makes me sad, at least it makes someone out there happy, even if it's not, it should.

*

After attending an interview yesterday in the city, I wondered if this is something I want... Be part of the city. Be part of the financial capital. Be the person whom I've tried to avoid being. Be part of the corporate world. Lose myself again in a job thinking I'm happy, but in reality running away and ignoring the fundamentals of happiness. It's a job I know I won't get, but I was trying for it - why? Is that what I want? Part of me says yes, the other part of me knows that I just want to keep myself busy so that I don't think about what Monika referred as 'you're too afraid of being hit by happiness or love'.

*

What do I really want? A question that I've been asking myself a million times and never got an answer. Was I perfectly fine when I was home? Then why do I enjoy having someone look after me while I'm here? Why do I enjoy being given pep talk, being nag at, being told off, being given advices all the time, having constant small arguments, having mis-communications half the time with someone? I've always been the independent person. I was totally on my own in Perugia. I didn't need to be told what to do, I just did what I had to do. Why is it that this time around, I constantly need someone to push me? Question is, do I need the push or do I need that someone?

*

At the end of the day, I'm still smiling. I was pining once for something that I knew was not meant to be, sometimes I think I'm a sadist who secretly hope things don't work out because I'm afraid of happiness. Now, I'm just happy with my surroundings. Even if I'm not feeling on top of the world, at least some people out there are - and I'm happy for them. At least love is in the air. Good vibes. It's always good to be surrounded by good vibes. It keeps you going.

My January 2008 escapade....

Firstly, it was fun welcoming the New Year in the pub, being surrounded by friends and keeping everyone merry. We had customers buying us drinks after drinks and we had shots every now and then to a point that we don't remember how many shots we each had. It didn't help that our cab driver's tomtom didn't work well. We were going in circles in East Dulwich trying to get to West Norwood. Nevermind, I was the last to be home and it was near 4 by the time I got home. Great.. and the next day I was working from 5pm again. Good tips though, so I won't complain! This picture is not from New Year's eve but these are the girls I work with and I love them to bits!
*

Then Lars came to visit on 10th till 13th. We waltzed around city centre, we went up to Greenwich, I never realise there's such a pretty place in London. We spent lots of money just eating out, stopping for coffees and what not. It was really really nice to see him after 1.5 years and even introduced him to Malaysian food at Kiasu! Went to my first gay pub in Chinatown and we walked around Old Compton Street and the red light area of London. Soon soon, this Spring, I hope to visit him in Utrecht and visit his family home and learn to ride horse. And horse riding on the beach too maybe???
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On 16th I flew to Geneva from Gatwick (so bloody convenient from my house) to be picked up by Fabien & Jenny. I didn't realise how much I miss them until I saw them. We then instantly drove to Lyon and spent a night staying with Fabien's brother - Yann. Lyon was a nice size city, not too busy and fun enough to go around. Spending 2 days there was enough for me, I was ready to leave. We cycled around town a little, I'm rather proud that I did it (after not cycling for what seems like forever). After Lyon we went back to Fabien's parents house in Fillinges which is like 60km from Mont Blanc and 20 mins or so from Evian. We were in the Alps! Fantastic!! Waking up to fresh air made so much difference! and the water! oooooooo.... And the snow!! My first experience with snow!! It was crazy! We went sledging (I rather say toboganning), made snow angels, I licked the ice, had my head dunked in ice, fell over while sledging on to the ice again and again. I had so much fun laughing at myself and Jenny, it was so fun!! But the hunger that hit after that isn't so fun. I never had so much bread and cheese and salami in my life as that day! I had so much cheese during that trip that it wasn't funny! And I've started to order salad for meal since I was there. Even now, I still order salad for lunch. That's crazy! Something that would never happen at home! As soon as I got back from France/Switzerland on 19th, I went straight back to the pub and work the night. I was tired but not extremely, it was nice to be back but I was missing Jenny already. :(
*

Then I worked a week in the office and 2 days in the pub and on Sunday, 27th I flew off to Bari, Italy. It was crazy as I was working till 5pm on Saturday, got home at 6, did some shopping for the trip, ate dinner/lunch and started booking my bus ticket from Victoria to Stansted and book my cab from home to Victoria and started packing at night... Halfway through packing I got cranky. I felt like cancelling the trip. Was moody and really moody. Honestly I was just really tired. After working 6 days and having to pack knowing that I need to leave the house at 3am for my flight at 7am from Stansted. Hated the idea of going to Stansted but they don't fly to Bari from anywhere else. Cab was suppose to cost 22 quid but the driver asked for 25. I wasn't going to argue in the middle of the night so I gave 25 anyway. Got to Victoria and took a 4am bus which arrive at 5.30am. Everything was pretty smooth, happy but felt really tired. The flight of 2.5 hours seem forever, luckily we arrived 30 mins early!! I don't enjoy the whole process of flying. Only enjoy take off and landing. Tried to sleep on the plane but the seat was uncomfortable and it was bright.
*
We might have landed 30 mins early, but everyone else' family seem to know that it was going to land early cause I realise I was the last in the airport waiting. Seeing Fabio was really nice, especially after a long travel and have not seem him since before Christmas! That very day I was falling sick, but I thought I was just tired. And I've been coughing from day before but I didn't take it seriously.. Then my cough started to give me chest pain... The next day my throat was sore. Sore to a point that it hurts when I swallow anything. The day after I had fever... The day after I contracted the cold too. We went out everyday but only just a little as I feel tired and sickish easily. It was a nice resting trip, great to be taken care when sick but pity that I was sick when I was on holiday, cause I hardly did nuts. Although, having a good time is always about who you are with and not where you are. And Fabio's family and friends are really sweeet and nice and I had a good time just being surrounded by them. Though I wish I spoke and understood more Italian. I was very quiet most of the time as I don't speak unless I feel confident... Which tells me I should go back to Italian school again... Need to brush up.. I miss speaking the language...