When you feel upset and you just want to shed the tears and get it over with, but the tears just won't come around.

You know that feeling. That heavy heart feeling, and as much as you try to live your days as if nothing is wrong but everyone and you yourself know deep down that something is bugging you. You can laugh the whole day through but that one thing is still bugging you and you wish you could get rid of it, you wish you could shed a few tears and get on with life, but it wouldn't let you.
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I always think that my feelings are in my control. I believe that I can mentally control how I feel, I believe that it's all in the mind, and when I try to be practical - it usually works in the sense that I will lose all feelings and interest in that something.
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I don't like setting expectations. Because I don't like to be dissapointed. I like to remain happy. I hate being dissapointed. I dislike being failed. Yet I do not know what I want. My friend once told me, "if you don't ask, you don't get". Yet I'm stubborn. I never thought I was a stubborn person until I came to London. I don't seem to want to listen to advices, but eventually I do. Because I know some advices matter and it's for the best of me - but I always start off defying. Why?
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Why do I sometimes try to be the superwoman that I don't want to be? Take for example the everyday situation like today when I had a mug of coffee in each hand walking out of the pantry, and a lady offered to hold the door for me since I won't be able to open the door. I hesitated figuring I could cope and manage opening a door with 2 mugs. It took me 5 seconds of thinking before I told her that yes I would like her to help. Why did it even take 5 seconds? Why can't I just accept help when it comes without hesitating? Why do I always try and manage. Why can't I come to a point where I say "I can't do it and I need help"? PRIDE?
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I always think that if I rely on people too much, one day when I'm alone, it will be difficult for me to survive - so I train myself now to be independent.
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To say that I started off in London on my own would be a bluff. I am blessed with many friends who helped me to get where I am today, be it emotional or physical assistance.
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Is it the Asian in me or is it just me that find it difficult to be straightforward or express how I really feel? Why is it so hard to say what my heart or mind is telling me?
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I know I will be fine once I shed the tears and let them all out, but I also know that will be the end of it. The end of an uncertainty. The end of a story that I'm writing. A story that I never knew where it will lead to. A story that almost became true but I would not let that happen. Because then it would be predicting my own life and it will be awkward.
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I just need to cry a little and I will be over it, but the tears won't seem to well in my eye. Maybe deep down I don't want to be over it.