On The Verge of Losing It

Had been getting gastric attack for the past several days, I thought nothing about it since I always ate on time and enough (more than enough to be honest). I never skip meals. So I didn't think much about it. Then I started feeling sickly. True enough, had a throat infection. Then the gastric got worse, I kept feeling hungry and awful pain.

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When Friday finally came and having meeting after meeting and having to drive somewhere at lunch time to rush back to work for another meeting, I nearly lost it. Everything, everyone were pissing me off. It was a day when everything seem to be going wrong and it's like the whole world was going against me, even nature. My mood changed incredibly, I wondered if I was going to suffer from anxiety attack, and I was afraid that it might happen. I can't let something like that happening to myself. And I was trying to breathe.. and then I started counting numbers... I was angry, I was frustrated, I was tired and I wanted out.

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I didn't know what was the best way to calm myself down but to pray. And I did.. When I open my mouth to speak, I had to stop immediately cause I knew I was going to start crying. I don't even know why but it was happening. Everything got on my nerves that day.

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Glad that it was the weekend, I felt more relax although I had several frustrating hours today when I had to work from home (like 5 hours) and recently, there's been countless time when I felt like throwing my laptop away and I had to calm myself down.

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I don't even know how I'm going to get through next week. It surely won't be easy, but I hope I won't abruptly throw in the towel at work. There's 2 days off next week and I think that will be good for the soul. I hope it will be. I can't have a breakdown now, and I don't want to.

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Not sure what it is but I suppose the stress is not helping with my sickness. I still feel dizzy when I walk and tired and sleepy all the time..

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What do I need..?

Where am I...

Recently, I'm pondering upon what do I want and what's missing... Have suffered many episodes where I'm all enthusiastic to see my friends but when I'm 5 minutes to seeing them, I feel that there's been a mistake in agreeing to meet up. If I had the choice, if I could control it, I would not have wanted to show it in my expression, but it does. I don't want to spoil anyone's day but sometimes I wonder, how much am I wanted there, to fill in the gap?
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Things are looking up at work and as much as there are sucky times, I'm really looking forward to this year, but everytime when things get sucky, I think about the application forms at home that I need to fill. Maybe it's the stress, maybe it's the tiredness, I find myself things to do on weekend to get my mind off work. Projects like that cost money and with the way I spend my ringgits, it's surely enever enough to go around.
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I can't do this for too long cause then it will all seem monotonous and I hate that. should I put in my application by this month? or next?

Got stopped by police for speeding on a highway

Okay.. so I was 15kmph above limit. But really, it's a nice cozy 4 lane highways (on each side), so what's wrong with going 75 which is considerably low to begin with. Anyhow, my fault. So the cop pulled me over. And this is how the convo went (translated to English for benefit of all):
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Cop: Miss, just to let you know, the fine for speeding is RM300. That's what you have to pay if I issue you a ticket.
(Me busy going through my wallet for my license - which he didn't even bother about)
Me: Okay.
Cop: You want to help? I'm advicing you, the fine if I issue a summon is RM300.
Me: Okay. Issue then.
Cop: What? A summon is RM300 but if you want to help, it doesn't have to be. How much do you have in your wallet?
(I felt my space was invaded)
Me: It's alright officer. I'll just have to take the summon.
Cop: But why? If you help, you don't have to pay so much.
Me: I can't, officer, I will have to pay the summon I suppose.
Cop: But why?
Me: (lying through my teeth) My religiong teaches me not to do these sort of things.
Cop: It is okay to do these things as long as you are sincere about it, there's no harm.
NOTE:This cop is wearing a "ANTI-RASUAH" badge (Anti-bribery).
Me: It's okay officer, I will just have to pay the RM300.
Cop: You sure? You don't want to help?
Me: Yes I'm sure, I will just have to pay the RM300.
Cop: Okay fine.
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After 5 mins, he ask me to leave. With no summon issued.
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I was really dissapointed. I never thought a cop would be the one asking for the dough, I thought it has always been the case where they hint and drivers initiate, but this guy asked me up front. What crushed me was the fact that he wore the anti-bribery badge. Such dissapointment.

Needing the lil push..

That's what I am.. If you don't push me, I don't move at times.. Just like at work.. If you don't say "hey, think it over", I won't. I'll just do whatever is being told by higher one. Now that I have a new enviroment, it has given me the encouragement to change things if I do not feel is right. I'm beginning to use my brain. I'm beginning to put myself to good use.
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Before this, if I feel something isn't right, I throw it to the party involved and let them make the decision. After all it involves them and I have too much on my plate to worry about things that I presume will not work anyway.
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After all what I've learn so far is, "sometimes it doesn't matter if you meet your objective as long as you keep your bosses happy". That was the most frustating part about work. Nobody cares what your audience feel about what you do as long as you did your part.
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That's when I thought this isn't what I want for short run nevermind long run. I've got to go. Why do something I do not believe in as it will only affect other involved parties negatively.
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Now I realise things have change.. If your mind questions an act, voice it out. It all came back to me. On the reason why I convinced myself to work where I am. I wanted to make a change. How did I forget that? I joined to make a change. Not to give up. And that's what it will be from now on. Ask not what the company can do for you, ask what you can do for the company.
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I am here. To make a change. as a daughter, as a sister, as an employee and as a friend.

Traveling down the same ol' expressway

Most days, I wonder how I manage to get myself to my destination. I would not be able to remember the past 25 mins of my 30 mins driving. Strange.. I don't remember passing by Shah Alam or Subang and here I am outside the office. Would you call it forgetfulness? Or am I losing my mind literally?
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Then there are days when I am on the road and wish I was walking down a high street in London or on the train to Cinque Terre or Venezia. Or just soaking up the sun down in Napoli. Those are the days I wonder why I'm working where I am and driving down the same ol' road everyday. Is this all there is to life... Working 9 to 8, 5 days a week, go out on Sat night, recuperate and gear my mind for work on Sunday and repeat the cycle continuously at the same time not enjoying what I do and living each day knowing that it will not get any better but somehow lie to myself that it will?
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I'm a person who enjoys simple things in life who gets excited at every small things. So what can't I try to enjoy my job or laugh off the stress? Is it because I think there's something better out there? Or is there? What's my ideal idea of quality of life?
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1. A job which I enjoy doing.
2. I get paid for overtime and by a lot.
3. I can balance a personal and working life at the same time.
4. When I don't feel the need to drink away my misery every week
5. When I don't spend 101% of mthly wage. In any case, I think I ought to be spending maximum only 80% of my pay.
6. When I look forward and I don't mind the thought of going back to work on Mondays
7. When my heart skips really fast when thinking bout going back to work
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People say it's normal to feel that way about a job. But nope.. That's not what I want. Maybe I want something which I can consider to be "a better life" and not succumb to the "so called life" stage.