My thoughts for the day...

Sun goes down at 4.30pm now.. It doesn't upset me, but it just feels odd. Then again I love night time, so it's a nice feeling. Now it feels normal again.. To leave work while the sky is dark. Could hardly get use to leaving at 5.30pm.
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Yesterday was my house party which I could not attend. All because I forgot to inform my pub manager and I couldn't change my work schedule at the end. Very dissapointed with myself and especially because I had to let my housemates down. I felt extremely awful when I realise 4 out of 6 of us did not show up. This Sunday I'm going to make laksa. Hopefully it works out.
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Yesterday had a long chat with my housemate. Apparently 2 of my housemates are getting together. We then talked about how things happen when you most unexpect it. Surprise surprise, but I wasn't so surprise as I suspected it all along, so it was good to have an answer. Then we talked about commitments. The more you think about something, the more complicated it becomes. The less you think about it, the better it surprises you. And if you have to think deeply about something, maybe that something is just not worth your time. If you are sure about something only after you've lost it, then it could be a false feeling (it's like trying to get back together after a break-up). If you have thought of hundred ways of how hundred different decisions can change your life, you lost it all right there and then - expect for the worst. Am I being cynical? I don't know. I'm afraid. Always afraid. Too afraid of dissapointments that I stop setting expectations other than on myself. Too afraid of being dissapointed by people, by job, by places. by everything. But attitude like mine is when you shield yourself from everything and when you are ready to open up, it's too late. And then you tell yourself that it's alright, you have always been you and you will survive, and then you toughen up spiritually and mentally. At the same time, the door got heavier and another lock has been added. You tell yourself that if you've lost it once, you can bear to lose it again. But you know it's not true. You just don't want to be dissapointed again. And at the same time, you don't want to lose it again. Why do you have to keep losing something? Why can't you win for once? Just once? Because some mistakes cannot be corrected and some words cannot be taken back and in some situations there are no forgiveness and like my cousin once told me, "if it's true enough, you will be forgiven" and I'm living by that phrase hence I am what I am today.
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This morning in the bus, there were 2 lil boys.. They kept going:

'Mom, look at that bus, it's much bigger than ours'

'Mom look at me'

'Mom ....'

'Mom.....'

I got annoyed. By 2 innocent child. I wonder what's going wrong with me. On the way home there was a little girl and the mother and this was another child who ask 1001 questions, and this time I decided to change seat and sat far away from them. I really don't know whats wrong with me. I'm annoyed by children, how can that be? I always loved children.
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I'm going mad....

Taking people for granted

I know I do it pretty often, also maybe because I'm not good at appreciating people around me. Sometimes I do it to get rid of people whom I dislike but sometimes I do it to get rid of people that I really adore, because I'm too scared to face what may ensue later.
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After chatting with my pub manager, I realise nothing exciting happens around the pub. Oh well, no drunkards, no fights, its far too decent. Then 20 minutes to closing, we heard a woman shout "SHUT UP". She, a customer shouted at her guy friend/boyfriend sitting across the table from her. Then we could see that he was trying to talk to her, but she kept going "SHUT UP" again and again. She was pissed with him, could tell in her face.
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Then the guy went to the bar to pay.. Without waiting for his change, he left. The girl starts shouting for his name and ran after him. He came back into the pub and whispered something to her (since she wouldn't let him speak earlier) and left again. This time she shouts after him. The guy left. For good. She then tried calling him on the phone but he wouldn't answer. She then left in the saddest state.
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Then I wonder.. Did she expect him to be okay after shouting shut up in his face over and over again in public? Did she expect the relationship/friendship to be the same after that. Did she think he was going to continue sitting across from her while not being allowed to talk?
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Why do girls take guys for granted in that sense? Do we expect guys to come begging on their knees after an argument or after we scold them for something they did wrong? If you're angry at a person and you tell them to shut up, and then when they leave, you chase after them... twice.. why?
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I for one when get too comfortable with people, I tend to think that people can handle my crap.. Of course, there are times when I unintentionally do something.. But honestly, said words cannot be taken back, and regretting after saying something is rather worthless. I remember how I blurted the word 'hopeless' at my friend. twice. i called him hopeless. And I thought, "gawd, thats very insulting. why did i even say it". But of course I didn't apologise cause I meant it as a joke. But how wrong I was. Always remember that if you think it was wrong, then it was. and when some statement hurts, people don't forget.
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don't even ask how I ended up calling my friend hopeless. of course he means the world to me and i think he's one of the most fabulous people i know, hence i took it for granted that he would know i was joking when i called him hopeless.
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why do i take people for granted? what's wrong with me?

When you feel upset and you just want to shed the tears and get it over with, but the tears just won't come around.

You know that feeling. That heavy heart feeling, and as much as you try to live your days as if nothing is wrong but everyone and you yourself know deep down that something is bugging you. You can laugh the whole day through but that one thing is still bugging you and you wish you could get rid of it, you wish you could shed a few tears and get on with life, but it wouldn't let you.
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I always think that my feelings are in my control. I believe that I can mentally control how I feel, I believe that it's all in the mind, and when I try to be practical - it usually works in the sense that I will lose all feelings and interest in that something.
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I don't like setting expectations. Because I don't like to be dissapointed. I like to remain happy. I hate being dissapointed. I dislike being failed. Yet I do not know what I want. My friend once told me, "if you don't ask, you don't get". Yet I'm stubborn. I never thought I was a stubborn person until I came to London. I don't seem to want to listen to advices, but eventually I do. Because I know some advices matter and it's for the best of me - but I always start off defying. Why?
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Why do I sometimes try to be the superwoman that I don't want to be? Take for example the everyday situation like today when I had a mug of coffee in each hand walking out of the pantry, and a lady offered to hold the door for me since I won't be able to open the door. I hesitated figuring I could cope and manage opening a door with 2 mugs. It took me 5 seconds of thinking before I told her that yes I would like her to help. Why did it even take 5 seconds? Why can't I just accept help when it comes without hesitating? Why do I always try and manage. Why can't I come to a point where I say "I can't do it and I need help"? PRIDE?
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I always think that if I rely on people too much, one day when I'm alone, it will be difficult for me to survive - so I train myself now to be independent.
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To say that I started off in London on my own would be a bluff. I am blessed with many friends who helped me to get where I am today, be it emotional or physical assistance.
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Is it the Asian in me or is it just me that find it difficult to be straightforward or express how I really feel? Why is it so hard to say what my heart or mind is telling me?
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I know I will be fine once I shed the tears and let them all out, but I also know that will be the end of it. The end of an uncertainty. The end of a story that I'm writing. A story that I never knew where it will lead to. A story that almost became true but I would not let that happen. Because then it would be predicting my own life and it will be awkward.
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I just need to cry a little and I will be over it, but the tears won't seem to well in my eye. Maybe deep down I don't want to be over it.

Uncertainties...

There are many types of drama queen, there are the loud ones, the ones who take 'all's the world's a stage' too literally, the ones who love having exciting things happening to them so they can live to tell about it, the ones who think they are in a soap opera and etc. I'm the kind of drama queen who has too much time in my hand and decides to think about things that may not need thinking and make myself seem busier than I really am.
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I found a job. I start on Monday morning. Will be doing marketing with a public sector organisation. Sounds weird but true.. I've yet to learn about the T&Cs. I've blindly signed many agreements since I got here and yes I have to read through everything now. I'm still on my waitressing job, I don't intend to quit anytime soon but juggling 2 jobs at one time will prove to be a struggle, but me being me, I just need to prove myself wrong for a little while.
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Right so I did tell myself that I cannot do unnecessary shopping till I find a job, and just before I can even start work, suddenly I felt the need to complete me room a little more, so I bought a hair dryer, 2 table lamps and a shade for my ceiling light. RIGHT. Then I checked my bank account, yikess.. My previous loose pays are not in yet. But I guess tmrw I should be getting some quid for two shifts at the pub.
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So really.. I need to survive on 15 quid for next week at least. I refuse to withdraw more money from my Malaysian HSBC account.
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I'm excited... Lavanya & Rajesh will be here on the weekend of 20th Oct and so will Johanna and the week after it will be Charlotte..... I think I will be paid weekly which sounds good, and once I get my 2nd or 3rd pay, I can go complete my cooking ingredients! Then I can start baking and cooking new recipes! I'm so excited!
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What I'm about to hate is the tax here. sigh... Can never get rich... hahahaha