Happy Christmas

So yes if you don't already know, I'm back in London since Monday 8.30pm BST. Best time to come back to work as there were Christmas lunches and lotsa of wine. Very merry! It's great! Of course being my first year working on Christmas week, it was a good surprise to know that we only work half day on Christmas Eve. I was very merry last night, very merry now too and it's 20 minutes before I leave for Liverpool Street Station to meet Lee. Then at 8pm, I'll be aboard my coach for Cardiff to spend my Christmas with her. Boxing Day will see Lee appearing in Cardiff and Saturday we will be back for more drinking at home.

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I think I came back at the right time although I'm broke beyond what I like to be.

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Happy Christmas and happy holidays all!

Letting Go

It's hard. I believe in The Secret, so I try not to believe that I'm stuck here for a long time to come and going back to London isn't happening. I beat myself up everyday, I refuse to face the fact that I am here, and seeing pictures or reading about London is hard. Every emails I get from Gourmet Cuisine, HMV, IWOOT, Transport for London, National Express, Southern Train gets deleted immediately. I don't want to be reminded of the good, bad, best time in my life. It's the holiday season and I know tons will be happening - South Bank market, Somerset House, grocery shopping is more fun this time of the year, but I can't let them get to me. I cannot let myself be reminded of the fun, the happiness, the peace I found within me when I was there. It all depresses me right now.
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Why do I feel that my luck has run out? For the first time in my life, they weighed my luggage at the airport 2 months ago. Silly I know but it happened.
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So once again, everyone else have more faith in me returning to London than myself, and I am thankful that I have such good friends, but it breaks my heart to think that I will not see them again anytime soon. Isn't it common sense that once you find what you deem as a better lifestyle, you wouldn't want to go back to what you first ran away from? My sense of practicality teaches me a lot but it is also countered by the dreammie part of me.
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In my opinion, if I wanted to be practical, I wouldn't have left. Twice at that in hope to chase dreams, and to be honest I succeeded in what I chose to do. Since I came home and the thought of not actually getting the next visa struck me and gave me that many 'panic attacks', I once mentally slapped myself and wondered if it's time to settle down and be practical.
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Quickly, the answer was no. I remember one incident, back in college when a bunch of us was doing this PT job that was paying us quite good money and I was getting loads of freebies (this is what happens when you're friends with everyone), and when it was over, during a class, a classmate said this to me in front of a lecturer, "aren't you lucky to actually work much lesser and less hard than all of us and having the spare time to walk around and have fun". I smiled... because I felt guilty. I probably worked half the time compared to the whole bunch of them. Much to my amaze, my lecturer answered my classmate and said, "Angeline's not lucky, she's smart, maybe you should learn from her".
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That got me. Hey, my lecturer was right! I didn't work hard, I worked smart and just being me, I had so much freebies that I had to turn some offers down. And come to think of it, from the 3 jobs I had in London, I was made an offer, and 2 of those jobs were temporary stints, heck I was even offered a job on my first day by one of the biggest company in the UK. Dude, it's no luck. It is me. I. Angeline. The power of being me. I am not just anybody. I am Angeline.
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Some year ago, I thought I'm just going through phases. Having to do this and that just to be happy and when I have finally done what I wanted to do, I would come home, put my backpack away for good and settle. I keep having this feeling that I am running away from reality when I decide to leave, then I realise that I wasn't trying to run from reality, I was making reality. Reality is, I was doing what I want and what makes me happy, NOT what community, friends, family expect me to do. I have to live my own expectations and nobody else'.

Magical dream wedding

Alright, at 27 (now) I realise that friends are getting married one after another, it's like a one of those thing you do when you reach a certain age or point in a relationship, it's cool, I'd lift my glass to all of you and wish you eternal happiness. Then a friend in Italy told me she is getting married in 20 days and I saw a picture of her wedding favors and I thought "hey, i want to get married and be able to give out the candy almonds like italians!"

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Yes, it was when Ale told me that she's getting married that I felt like I want to get married too! Hey, finally i had that bit of envy and feeling of wanting a wedding! Then of course the practical part of me would kick in between split second. Hey, I want sugar coated almonds for favors in a nice box, an outdoor reception and if there's money for dinner, it'll be in a nice hall or even outdoor. Think Mamma Mia the movie, think outdoor on a hill overlooking the Tuscan countryside, or Adriatic sea, think castle or a nice big house. Yes, that's how my wedding will be!

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Also, believe it or not at this age, I still think I'm too young for a wedding, and thinking on the financial part of it for myself and for my guests, I have decided that I will be ready and prepared for a wedding in 8 - 10 years time from now.

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What about marriage? No plans yet.

slippery road and toffee frappucino

I'm sitting here, attempting to do work but at the same time recalling my first winter in London which was just a year ago. At that point, I just moved to my new place in South Norwood, working in UK Trade & Investment - London region situated on St Thomas Street right next to Guy's Hospital and in the same building as Body Shop's HQ. Just 100 metres from the office, on the corner towards London Bridge Rail Station, there is a starbucks. It was always cold and usually rainy, you could hear carols everywhere and the hustle bustle was a first for me, which was really fun. Working in the pub was awesome especially when everyone is in the holiday mood and many are there to spend some bonus wage and Christmas present shopping made sense for some reason. Did I also mention the internal charity Body Shop sale? Ooooo... I've never bought that much Body Shop products in my life. come to think of it, some stuff are still sealed!

Every time I walk past Starbucks I would think about the many visits back in Malaysia for a toffee frapuccino. During the Christmas season in Malaysia, I would go to starbucks more often than ever to get a toffee frappucino without cream! There was even once when I and Jenny went after Christmas and they didn't have toffee frap anymore, but the barista said there's still some toffee in the store and he could still whip us a toffee frap! I was addicted.

Everytime I walk past Starbucks last holiday season I would think of all the fun times at home, and I would then treat myself to a toffee frap but hey it's not as good! Yet I still go back for more and I am one of the few weirdoes who would walk in to Starbucks in the middle of December asking for an ice blended drink but I didn't care, it made me happy, but obviously I would end up coughing non stop there after.

Then I recall going to the restaurant in Ikea more often in the evening during the same season because in the evenings of work days there are usually less people and the cafe is quiet and carols will be playing softly in the background, I'd be sitting there with my children's portion of meatballs, a cup of coffee (refillable!!) and a bottle of water and with the rain pouring outside, it feels like we're trapped in a big store filled of comfy looking products.

Now I'm just wondering if I'll ever be back in London to continue working... Or am I coming to a junction again? Sitting at home for almost two months made me think quite a bit and the answer is yes, I want to go back to London. Very very much.